They call them terrible two’s for a reason…Although I have come to be a firm believer they should call them testy two’s vs. terrible. I don’t think Ellie is terrible or that she is a bad child. She actually is very well behaved for the most part but she is two and she is testing out the world around her- in EVERY imaginable way.

Today I cried in the middle of my favorite store while at the checkout. Legit TEARS.

Target is a mother’s oasis- mine especially (probably for the non- mother’s too.) BUT when you become a mom its like a whole new world going to target. I disconnect, enjoy my (pumpkin spice) latté and most times end up going home with great finds I didn’t even know I needed in my life until I crossed paths wandering aimlessly through the aisles just to kill time. I LOVE going to target by myself. More times than not though, I have the kids with me and lately more times then not its to grocery shop- getting in and out as soon as possible to keep my kiddos level of distraction in check and my sanity on a healthy level.

Today, it was a battlefield in a war zone and I lost the fight.

The morning was challenging in itself, from Ellie being upset that we did not have boonanas in the house, she wasn’t happy I wouldn’t let her have a 3rd helping of cereal which was a different kind than her initial two bowls and no matter how many times I tell her she can not sit on top of her sister, because she is too heavy and Ava can be hurt- she attempts to anyway and then ensues in a total meltdown when I remove her from so. As I’m trying to get us ready to leave, finishing up Ava’s bath she insisted on trying to climb in the tub. When that wasn’t going to happen she resorted to taking out most of her tub toys and laying them in patterns around the rug in Ava’s room and then does not want to put them back without a fight. (Also shot her self in the eye with elmo who apparently didn’t get drained from the night before’s bath.) so that was tramautic and we had to wipe her eyes dry. Throw in a few random screams at the top of her lungs (I’m talking mariah carey pitch), removing socks and shoes in the car and then proceeds to scream more because she can’t figure out how to get them back on her self and you have one overdosed adrenalined momma who is ready for a nap- and its 10am.

Ellie had her cookie when we walked in and from then on it was a slippery slope down hill. (Maybe this was my own down fall for letting her have a cookie in the first place after such a hectic morning. But I like to think target is a RESET for the day and can only improve things for the greater good.) From trying to get her to stop pulling her sisters legs because she wanted to sit in the front of the normal cart vs the big girl seat attached to the front of the cart (this contraption is what I can only imagine driving a semi would be like.) to grabbing at things in the aisle and having to be swift to place them back on the shelf before 50 others fall down (having this beast cart is not ideal in the middle of the aisle for all other shoppers- trust me I tried) , crying because I didn’t give her the Elsa and Anna cheese packs fast enough and finally when we checked out was royally ticked because I took said cheese to put on the belt so that we could pay for it and when the cashier rang it up Ellie had a MELTDOWN because the cashier touched it and she wanted it back immediately. These series of events may seem silly or that it wouldn’t be stressful at all but I assure you, if you have your own kids you most definitely know what I am talking about and if you haven’t reached this stage or have kids of your own quite yet- I’ll pray for you.

My insides were so shaken up I didn’t know what to do. I took the cheese which was placed in its own bag and gave it to Ellie (this is not something I would normally promote but lets be honest I didn’t know what else to do and felt so embarrassed that I just wanted her to stop throwing a fit for 2 minutes so I could pay and get us out the door.) Which Ellie then ripped the cheese out of the bag and threw the bag on the floor. Unless you have been at the very wrath of a 2 year old you are not allowed an opinion on this. Don’t judge me. I have beat myself up more than anyone else could- because what I did next was say out loud in front of a person I didn’t know, to my own child that she was making me crazy.

I felt helpless. Out of control helpless. I immediately regretted it. It broke my heart that I was so weak to express such things to my 2 year old who is trying to get through her own emotions and communication barriers. But I just lost it. As I stood in line to pay for my groceries tears streamed down my face. I just stood there quiet not knowing what my next move should be and embarrassed because I don’t think the cashier knew what to say or if she should even look at me.

My mind has been racing all afternoon, my emotions have the best of me and I don’t know which way to go…. I need to regroup, get my self back together and push on through because in the end, all us mothers really want is perfect love for and toward our children. But in the process we need to also want perfect love for ourselves and forgive ourselves when we may just fall short in the learning process. Personally, there is no greater learning experience than that of our children. On all levels. And I’m trying.