Persevere: to continue in the course of action even in the face of difficulty.
Suicide survivorship is a club we never hope to be apart of.
The unanswered questions and what ifs that try to consume your mind on the daily are a battle in itself. I’m not sure how one carries on through the grief; with out having a sound mind to bring you back to reality. But deep down I know. I know that no matter what I or anyone else said or pleaded, your mind was made up long before we considered the outcome even being a possibility.
Dad, how could you do this??? Right now, I dont know how to find joy in every day amid this chaos. Navigating in uncharted grieving waters. Waters I didn’t want or ask to be apart of. Waters that can swallow you whole.
The memories of you take my breath away in the most unexpected ways and I waiver between a deep sorrow and anger. Uncontrollable tears flow; as my mind is a rolodex clinging from one flashback to another…..I long for you. For your voice, your hugs, your smell and even your unwarranted opinions. You drove me crazy and yet I loved you fiercely all at once. The hope I held onto for so long: for you to be better, to be present, to want more in our relationship, the way that I did. Our bond was undeniable. Recently conflicted, and yet I always hoped…..Now, that hope is lost forever.
But in the deepest of pain, I can still find strength. And I praise God that He lifts me back up and carries me through the fire to the other side. That through each emotion I face through this grief process, He is right there with me fighting the fight for me. He is bigger than all of this. He is my strength, my comfort, my peace.
We purpose to continue moving forward. Another minute, another hour, another day. We persevere. Because we were made to.
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
** I wrote this post a year ago and never published it. I was writing for myself, in healing but its so much bigger than me. Unfortunately, within the past year I know many others who have also come to be suicide survivors. As each of our stories are all so different, we are able to relate to one another on some level. May we all find comfort through God, even when we don’t have understanding. God Bless.